Desperate to fit in

As a young child I remember feeling desperate to fit in. I remember thinking that I would do just about anything so that people would see me, would like me, would want to hang out with me.
This desperate need to fit in led to nothing but pain and more pain for me. It led to many lonely days on the school playground, and many afternoons of tears on my way home from school.

From my perspective it felt as if I was almost invisible.

It felt as if when I was being true to myself, I was the most shunned by my peers. All I wanted was to be accepted, to be seen, to have a friend to play with. Yet no matter how hard I tried it seemed that people just did not like me. Just did not want to be around me.

In desperation I tried to be what I thought they wanted me to be.

I moulded and contorted myself into whatever I thought they wanted – and this led to more rejection and more loneliness.  Year after year went by and I still had no one in my life who I could honestly call a friend. With each passing year, I found myself questioning myself more and more.

The seeds of “I am not good enough” were planted deeply during those years.

These seeds continued bearing fruit over and over again in my life, and I still find them surfacing from time to time, even now.

Luckily or unluckily we moved a lot during these years, and each time we moved it felt as if I could start my life with a clean slate. A new opportunity to be the me I thought the world wanted me to be. Yet, over and over I had the same experience of being shunned and rejected.

By the time I reached my teenage years I still had no one in my life that I could call a friend.

Then a beautiful soul came into my life, and for the first time I began to experience what it was like to have someone see me.  It was such an amazing time for me, and I began to “allow” parts of me that I had hidden to be seen – and they were embraced and accepted. I could feel my uniqueness rising, I could sense my warrior spirit standing proudly.

Then we moved again. Once again I found myself in a school where people did not see or accept me.  Yet this time I found myself being a lot more selective of who I spent my time with, rather than trying to be someone I was not, just to fit in.

By the time I reached University I was so sick and tired of trying to fit in and trying to be something I was not, that I rebelled against the norms and conventions.

I fiercely chose to be different.

To not fit in. To do the opposite of what people wanted. I dressed differently. I wore my hair differently. I listened to music that no one else was listening to.  I was exploring what it felt like to NOT fit in.

My warrior spirit was rejoicing.

In life we often swing from one end of the pendulum to the other. And for a few years, I really pushed the boundaries of NOT FITTING IN, just to see what would happen.  I definitely met resistance along the way, yet I noticed that this fierceness in my kept me going and ensured that I naturally weeded out of my life those that did not want to see me.

I led my life from a space of doing what I wanted to do because it felt right and true for me – and bugger everyone else. The stubbornness that I had been labeled with my entire life became my ally and it fueled my determination to go wherever I believed I could in my life. I stormed upwards and on wards, owning more of me in the process.  I ended up becoming a self-made millionaire by accident and finding my soul mate.

It seemed to me as if I was at the pinnacle of my life.

And then we immigrated to Australia. All of the old stories and conditioning of trying to fit in came flooding back into my life as I struggled to understand what it meant to be an Australian and to find me in the context of this new landscape.  I found myself contorting and disfiguring my true nature in the desperate attempt to succeed in this strange new land.

My warrior spirit began to retreat into the shadows.

In its place was a watered down version of myself. A beaten down and subdued spirit that no longer recognised her amazing uniqueness. I found myself lost and confused. Wondering around as if in some desolate landscape with no recgonisable landmarks in sight.

The questions and the doubts flooded my daily existence.

• Who am I?
• What am I doing?
• What should I be doing?
• What should I have done?
• What is wrong with me?
• How the hell did I end up here?
• Why is this happening to me?

Then I met human design and began a personal journey to reconnect with ME.

I am a Projector.

I am here to SEE.

I don’t need to do anything.

I don’t need to fix anything.

I am the witness, here to watch.

I see in a way that no one else sees.

It is with my seeing that I can guide others to find the correction needed for humanity but only if they SEE me and WANT to know what I SEE.

I don’t need to do anything.

As I hold my warrior energy, those that want to know what I SEE with come to me.

There is no need to be anything else, to try to fit in or mould myself into anything that I am not.

I am a Projector. I am here to SEE. I don’t need to do anything. I don’t need to fix anything. I am the witness, here to watch.

And with that, for the first time in my life I truly found my warrior spirit.

Thank you, thank you, thank you

If you would like me to guide you on your Human Design Journey, then you may want to check out the UNDERSTANDING HUMAN DESIGN Session.

I SEE you.